I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
