dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
