do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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