Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
