So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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