And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
