I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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