just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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