I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
