Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just threw up on my dentist
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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