I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
