I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
