even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
