Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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