I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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