My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
