I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
