Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
