Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
