i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
