I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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