I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
