false alarm. still invincible.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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