I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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