i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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