my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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