i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
