He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
