How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
