I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
