i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
