Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
