the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
