what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
