so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
