I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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