Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
