I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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