Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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