my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
