I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
