the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
