My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
