Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
