I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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