i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
