in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
