My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
