Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
