Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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