the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
