Too much gin, very little bucket
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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