I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
