Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i'm inner monologue high
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
