i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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