before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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