Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
