i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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